You'll have a Grenwich Village art show in no time!

Birthdays and Celebrations
Better Homes and Gardens Creative Cooking Library
Published 1963
Original price unknown
Found in a used book store

ZOMG! Crazycakes with neon frostings! Totally un-PC party ideas! Recipes like "Ad-lib burgers!" This the best book evAr... Lookit! They have neon frosting, I'm neon frosting, it's a match made in the ultimatey ultimate of heaven!

This cookbook is all about theme parties; how to throw them, what to serve, how to dress the table, how wonderful they were, but here's a little secret - themed parties never ever work. From the dawn of time, every single themed event has been a dismal failure for everyone except the party planners. Socrates' Hemlock Punch Soiree, The Last Supper, The Parisian Horsemeat Banquet of 1855 - not a single one of 'em ended well, if you catch my drift.

In fact, the parties described in this book would only work in the exquisitely groomed cul-de-sac of my mind. From the opening page's gumdrop-emblazoned Children's Birthday cakes to the Silver Anniversary Buffet at the end, each and every recipe and theme idea will shock and delight. In all the wrong ways.

Some day, I'll have a Valentines Day party, and I'll subject my friends to the wonder that is Valentine Ring Around.
Mash together one 12-ounce carton cream-style cottage cheese and two 3-ounce packages cream cheese till well blended. Soften 1 teaspoon unflavored gelatin in 1/4 cup cold water; dissolve over hot water; add 1/4 tsp salt. Stir gelatin mixture into cheese mixture.
Add 1 cup seedless green grapes, 1/2 cup broken pecans, 2 tablespoons chopped chives. Fold in 1/2 cup whipping cream, whipped. Turn into a 5-cup ring mold, chill until firm. Unmold. Top with gelatin heart cutouts.

Gelatin Heart Cutouts
Dissolve 1 package cherry or strawberry or raspberry gelatin in 2 cups hot water. Pour into a shallow baking dish - gelatin should be less than 1/2 inch deep. Chill firm. Cut hearts with cooky [sic] cutter.

Yup, I'll make that for all my friends and then I won't have to worry about having friends ever again. It'll be just like that nice party Al Capone threw for Bugs Moran. Seriously, chives?




And the Dirtiest Recipe Name Award goes to... Swedish Spritz!

Gay little paper napkins are seen everywhere!

Good Housekeeping’s Appetizer Book
Irresistible canapés, hours d’oeuvers and nibblers
Published 1958
Original price 39 cents
Gift from Amy Turbo

With chapters like Short Order, Do-Ahead, and Slimmers subdivided into categories like Dips and Dunks, Hot and Bubbly, and Stick-and-Pick, you know you’re in for one hell of a cocktail party! As the forward says, “This is an era of dip and dunks and sticks and picks. And we say “hurrah!” Guests love making their own while the hostess takes care of the last minute doings, or greets her guests, then joins in the fun.”

“Don’t be shy in selecting the container for displaying your wares," the forward continues, “a cake stand needn’t be confined to cake nor a bread basket to bread. Appetizers lend themselves perfectly to imaginative serving.” This is illustrated quite wonderfully on the front cover, upon which is a beeswax candle, festooned with olives, diced cheese, and crackers – all held on with toothpicks. Mmmmm...waxy crackers. Sounds like the latest dance craze.



A few tempting treats for your next shindig:

Potpourri Cheese
12oz bottle of beer
1 1/2 lb grated Cheddar
1/4 lb grated bleu cheese
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp dry mustard
2 tbsp butter or margarine
1 tsp Worcestershire
1/8 tsp liquid hot pepper seasoning
Several weeks ahead: Open beer; let it stand. Mix cheeses, salt, mustard; blend in Worcestershire, pepper seasoning. Add beer gradually, beating with electric mixer till creamy.
Refrigerate mixture in covered jars. Or use to fill small covered pottery jars, as gifts. Keeps several weeks in refrigerator.

Planetary Frankfurters
6 hard-cooked eggs, well-chilled
1/4 cup relish-cheese spread
7 drops hot pepper seasoning
1/2 lb frankfurters
Early in day: Hard-cook, refrigerate, then cut the hard-cooked eggs crosswise into 1/4” slices. Select the 25 egg slices with rings of white large enough to encircle a frankfurter. Remove yolk from these slices; set rings aside.
Chop remaining smaller pieces of egg and all yolks; combine with cheese spread and pepper seasoning.
Now cut each frankfurter in half lengthwise; with the cheese mixture, spread cut surface of half of them; top with unspread ones. Scrape off extra filing, then wrap frankfurters in waxed paper, saran or foil, and refrigerate.
To serve: cut each stuffed frankfurter into 5 crosswise pieces; then insert each piece through a hard-cooked egg ring, pushing a toothpick through egg white and frankfurter to hold in shape.




And from the Well Duh department:
French Fry Appetizers
Prepare Frozen French Fries as label directs. Serve hot, as is. Or, while heating French Fries, sprinkle with grated Parmesan. Or, after heating them, arrange on tray with bowl of catsup or chili sauce, so guests can dunk and eat their own.

And the Dirtiest Recipe Name award goes to… Fish Quickies!

Never speak of repulsive things at the table

Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cookbook
drawings by Andrew Warhol
Published 1961
Original price unknown
Found in a Las Vegas thrift store


Amy Vanderbilt is known for two things, her books on etiquette and her 2-story dive out of a window. Cooking was never her forte, as evidenced by this strange tome. In fact, the standout feature of this book is neither the recipes nor the off-putting social register interjections, it's the illustrations. And that in itself is a bit of a let-down because even though they're by Andrew Warhol - yup, that Andy Warhol - the line drawings are less than fantastic. However, they're still Warhols and I can indeed say, "yes, I own 23 Warhol prints." And I wonder how many mroe times I can namedrop... Warhol, Warhol, Warhol.

So anyway, the book - the recipes aren't really above average, in fact, they're pretty standard fare for a book of this era. Meaty, fatty, belchy. Belying Vanderbilt's upbringing, there are a lot of East Coast style recipes, heavy on the lobster and rich cuts of steak. There are also some phenomenally inane recipes, as evidenced by the following:

Cream of Chicken Soup with Sherry
1 10-oz can condensed Cream of Chicken Soup
1 soup can full of milk (or half milk, half consommé)
1 tablespoon sherry
few small croutons
Combine soup, milk, or mixture of milk and consommé in a saucepan over low heat. Stir to mix smoothly. Bring to boiling point. lower heat at once and simmer 3 to 4 minutes. Add sherry. Serve immediately in warmed soup cups or bowls. Add a few croutons to top of each serving.

That's the type of recipe I'd expect to find in a Campbell's Tasty Souping Styles book, not a high-society cooking tome. Another fit of strangeness is that in true church-basement style Vanderbilt credits her friends in print and gives special notes on the whens and wheres of a recipes origin. Which is pretty cool. As long as you remember that "from the kitchen of Mrs. Edgar Thoroughbred" really means "created by the kitchen staff of..."

I've not actually made anything from this book yet; the above recipe notwithstanding, most of the recipes sit on the too-fancy side the fence. Even though the Lobster Thermidore recipe is only 2 paragraphs long, it's simply not my style, plus, lobsters are cuddly. However, here's another tidbit, because it's just too good not to share:

Sunday Night Wine Jelly
4 envelopes unflavored gelatin
1 cup cold water
1 quart boiling water
1 1/2 cups sugar
3 lemons, grated peel and juice
2 cups Madeira or sherry
1 cup cognac
Soak gelatin in cold water until softened. Stir into boiling water to dissolve. Add sugar, lemon juice, and peel. Mix. let cool. Add wine and cognac.
Pour into 2 1/2 quart mold. Chill until form, 2 to 3 hours. Serve with cream or whipped cream - and pound cake for those who aren't counting calories.

Vanderbilt notes at the bottom, "This is a jelly I like to serve with angel cake."

And the Dirtiest Recipe Name Award goes to... The Boys' Do-It-Yourself Lunch!

Mini-books Galore!

Nope, I'm not going to attempt to validate or explain my fascination with these vintage mini-cookbooks. I have no nostalgia for a "simpler time." Honestly, I'm pretty sure that eating a steady diet of the meals contained in any of these books will lead to an early, and probably painfully slow, death. Stuffed Eggs in Gelatin Mayonnaise, anyone? "This makes an attractive dish for a light luncheon or supper."

That said, there are so many of these little delights; it seems that from the dawn of time every appliance and ingredient manufacturer in the universe has put out specialized cookbooks. They're just as addictive - and useful - as trading cards. I'll trade ya - Good Housekeeping's Little Book of Cookies for your All Day Singin' and Dinner.

I'm fascinated. Riveted. Completely enamored with the 375 things I can do with Jell-O, most of which violate some laws of nature. Grape Juice Bavarian, Cherry Cheese Charmer, Ribbon Loaf, Souffle Salad... what's not to love? Well, maybe the Tangy Cabbage Salad's not on everyone's must-eat list, but even the worst offenders (hands up, who wants seconds of Tuna Ring Mold with Olives and Radishes?) are photographed in beautiful Technicolor.

And Bananas! One mini-cookbook alone has 56 recipes for bananas - fluted, mashed, sliced, fried, cheese-coated, fluffed, baked in a pie. Yes, I can make a 4-course meal of banana goodness: Broiled Banana appetizers, Banana (fake)Meat Loaf, Banana Rice Savory, and Banana Grape Marlow for dessert. Also worth noting are the educational tidbits like, "Old Folks find sweet, ripe bananas a pleasant, satisfying treat - easy to chew, easy to digest, low in protein, high in quick food energy." Good to know, good to know.

Got a can of Diet Shasta Black Cherry soda? My copy of The Diet Shasta Recipe Booklet has instructions for whipping it into a quick and tasty Shoestring Beet Salad. And who'da thunk of livening up mushroom soup or stuffed zucchini with a can of Diet Ginger Ale? Well, me, after reading through this petite tome. My only concern is that there are no recipes containing the bestest of all Diet Shasta flavors, Diet Chocolate Fudge - how can that be?

An entire cookbook devoted to Sweetened Condensed Milk? Bring it on! Even though odds are I'll never have an occasion to make Magic Fruit Cream Sauce, I feel better just knowing that I know how. And if I'm ever called to turn plain ol' white bread into cake, I can! You can too! All one needs to do is roll it in condensed milk and coconut.

Not to be bested, Sour Cream, The Gourmet Touch to Everyday Cooking will delight with everything from Stroganoff Pizza to Turkey and Crab Stuffed Squash on the Half-Shell. The good folks at the American Dairy Council knew what they were doing when they put the word "party" in front of the most mundane of recipes and gave the booklet snappy little magic wand illustrations.

250 Delectable Desserts does not lie - and surprisingly, they all do indeed look delicious. From Apple Charlotte to Tutti Fruity Trifle, the recipes are fun, easy, and if your pantry is well-stocked with rennet, lard, and dried prunes, you can make a tasty treat with no fuss at all.

The Wonders of Cheese - recipes so delicious, they can't help but sound dirty - Nippy Cheddar Savories! Snappy Cocktail Spritz! Hot Camembert Morsels! Those are phrases I'd expect to see on a triple-x marquee, not a appetizer platter, yet there they are.

And that's the beauty of it.